Confessions

Confession #1. I pause my TV all the time when I'm embarrassed on behalf of a TV character. Sometimes it takes me a good 5 minutes to work up the strength to watch the rest of an awkward scene in an episode. I could never watch "Blind Date" because it was chuck full of embarrassing moments and "The Bachelor" takes me forever to get through with all the awkward moments and my ensuing necessary pauses. Well, it just so happened that I was watching "Up all Night" on my DVR and had to pause it, play a game of solitaire, check facebook, and then I could resume watching. I suppose I need distance from the awkwardness, time to tell myself I'm ridiculous and that this is just make believe story-telling. After all, I. Am. An. Adult. Empathy was a gift of mine in therapy, but it is something that gets annoying when I'm watching TV!

Confession #2. I've always thought I was a bit funny. Not hilarious mind you, just funny. And I realize that my humor is often unintentional, often stemming from something I didn't mean to say (like using "it's a doggy dog world" in lieu of "it's a dog eat dog world") or stemming from something I meant to say but didn't realize it would be funny (i.e. saying something wildly inappropriate for the setting, like the word nipple in church, Relief Society). Well, here's my confession: my daughter thinks I'm funny, just not laugh out loud funny. And it hurts my self-esteem. I get smiles the size of Texas and coos and noises, but darn it, I never get a chuckle. Sure she's only 3 months, and laughs might be around the bend, but my self-image is being damaged while I wait.

Confession #3. I'm purposely trying to stunt Alivia's development. I've given her little tummy time because I worry she'll roll over and learn to crawl and grow up too fast. I know I have to do better at aiding her development, but I want my baby to be my baby forever. She makes parenting her easy. She is a good and happy baby. And if I could, I would keep her little forever, to snuggle and smile and be in my arms. But I can't. Rolling over and every thing that comes along with it are knocking at our door. And I have to comply. And I'm bitter about that point. (Cody's the bad guy who sneaks in tummy time so she's not developmentally delayed)

Confession #4. I have out of control gray hair. I should dye my hair every 4 weeks to keep the gray under control, but I stretch it to every 6-8 weeks. My husband does it, from a box, because we're cheap like that, and I have dark hair which takes to box coloring ok. I try to tell Cody how good he has it. Because lets be honest, most woman around here get their hair done professionally. I mean I even get mine cut at The Haircutters for $15! I repeat, Cody doesn't know how good he has it. Even in Arkansas, outside of Orange County CA, ladies get their "hair did" in professional salons.

Confession #5. I'm out of shape. Not the "I-just-had-a-baby" out of shape, but the "you-had-a-baby-3-months-ago-and-now-don't-have-any-excuse" out of shape. I ran this morning for the first time in almost a year(!), and it sucked bad. I felt like I was dying - literally. My head was either going to explode, my heart jump out of my chest, or my legs fall off. Instead, I stopped periodically to walk, because I feared we were in "I'm going to vomit if I don't walk" territory. Cody went with me and tried to coach me against walking. He thought I could power through it. But he was wrong. I was literally going to DIE!!!! I think he was disappointed honestly, but I was equally disappointed. Looks like it's going to be an uphill battle to get me to the point where I can run 30 minutes straight without hacking up a lung - or last night's dinner. Cody was nice enough to say that I ran for 25 minutes today, and that I did a good job, but he lied. If I'm lucky, I ran 15 minutes. Regardless, I have a long way to go before I feel good running. I used to kind of like it, but as it stands right now, I hate it!

Well, that should do it for now. Coming up: Alivia's blessing and our Utah trip.