Mommy Confessions

Last night, Cody discussed an episode of the Dr. Phil show with me entitled, "Mommy Confessions," that has made the news. On this particular episode, an Alaskan mother of 6 is the guest and a video of her disciplining her adopted son is shared. In the video she is seen screaming, giving the child a cold shower, and administering hot sauce as punishment for lying and causing problems at school.

Dr. Phil reprimands the mother's disciplining style and states that she must stop her methods immediately, that they are ineffective and unacceptable, and that he believes she is desperate.

The mother asks Dr. Phil (after being told her methods will never work), "So tell me what will...I will be happy to abandon all of [my disciplining tools]."

Since the show, this Alaskan mother has been charged with misdemeanor child abuse and her story is splattered all over the news. She is hated. She is seen as an "evil" monster. And now I guess discussions on Russian adoption by American families is being had.

And truthfully, I feel bad for this woman. Her child is a difficult child, and she has 6 in total. And although the show glossed over this point, the child's poor behavior is ever present, at home AND at school. The woman openly admits being frustrated and lost as to what to do and how to parent. She willingly puts herself up for critique by going on the show to begin with and while on the show, she gladly concedes her methods for ANY more effective and healthy suggestions.

I don't know why we feel compelled to kick people when they are down, but we do, especially in the media. And it frustrates me. Need I point out that this woman is SEEKING HELP which hardly makes her the worst mother I've ever met.

And as someone whose worked as a mandated reporter (and made reports), I must say that if I discussed the case with CPS in Orange County, the fact the woman was seeking help, willing to receive help, proactive, and humble would make her a breath of fresh air. I probably would have reported her and she might have had a case opened, but the case would only be in place as an aide to her as a parent, not as a punishment tool. My guess would be that parenting classes would be provided as well as follow-up.

I used to work at the Parental Stress Hotline in the greater Boston area for a year. It was volunteer work as part of my domestic violence class at BU. I learned a lot from working at the hotline. Mostly, I learned that parenting is challenging and that parents get desperate and frantic in their discipline techniques when they hit their limit. And that a parent who seeks help is a good parent. Sometimes education is necessary to make them a better parent. But at the end of the day, the difference between good and bad mother's is often determined by their openness to change and improve, to seek out help. And that's what we were there on the hotline to do.

I just get so frustrated with society when we easily critique - like we have all the answers and know all the circumstances. And as I said before, when we knock people when their down. It's like going into confession (or the Bishop's office) with a repentant heart, only to be berated and dismissed. It's shameful. I remind everyone that the episode/segment was entitled, "Mommy Confessions."

To be truthful, my brother Redge once received a cold shower for punishment after forcing Tanner (the youngest) to have a cold shower. I think my mom was trying to show Redge, like for like, the rudeness and discomfort of his behavior toward Tanner. Well, anyway, Redge and my mom have a great relationship and no one is damaged because of the incident.

On the flip side, I've heard of "naughty sauce" as a disciplinary tool and know people, close people, who use it as one of theirs. And although they have different methods (a drop of Tabasco as opposed to a gulp of hot, hot sauce), they swear by it's effectiveness. I doubt I'll ever use it, I like the good old fashion guilt, removal of privileges, and time-out methods, but I don't claim to know best and I certainly haven't seen any trauma or negative effects from this technique on the kids it's used on.

I actually think the most terrorizing aspect of the video shown on Dr. Phil, is the mother's anger, witnessed by her screaming and forceful movements. She doesn't have the tools to separate parenting discipline and being mad at her kid. One thing I learned from a child psychology class in grad school was that we need to discipline with love, with the child's safety, education of right and wrong, and good upbringing in mind, because parenting out of vengeance, retaliation, or anger clouds judgement and is highly less effective.

And I guess the best way to show concerned with the Alaskan mother if you wish, is to offer support. In no way, does demonizing the woman help her become the best parent her kids need. As a woman about to embark on motherhood, I hope to make all the best choices, have the courage to admit error, seek help where needed, and discipline with love. But most of all, where and when I fall short of these goals, as I'm sure I will, I hope that my confessions are received with a bit more compassion.