Breatfeeding

I have never actually breastfed Alivia.  She would never latch.  And after 3 weeks of trying to get her to feed from me, and many tears from both baby and mommy, I decided to pump for her.  She clearly preferred the bottle, and after awhile I just felt selfish pushing my agenda on her.  If I pumped and she bottle fed, she got the same healthy breast milk, without all the stress of me forcing my nipple in her face.

Well, it's been 11 months and almost 1 week.  And I have pumped much longer than I originally thought I'd breastfeed.  I always said that when my child got teeth, I'd stop breastfeeding.  And Alivia cut her first tooth at 5 months and now has 8 teeth!  But I've been able to power through because of the blessed pump and no teeth to breast contact.   

Since we have a wedding in Utah on June 9th, and Alivia is knocking on her birthday door, I've decided the best time to stop is now, give or take a few days.

I am so pleased to get the pump packed away and out of view.  I've never really found a great spot to put it all these months and I hate it sitting next to the couch in plain view.  I'm also excited to simplify my personal routine: no more breast pads, cream, staying up late to get the last pumping in, etc.  Plus, I will be able to de-clutter my undergarments drawer, since I have extra nursing undergarments.  And yes, I am excited to get back to a normal appetite.  Some people breastfeed to lose weight, my sister and I keep some extra extra sugar on our bodies when we are nursing because that's just how God made us.  She says that once she stops breastfeeding she is able to lose the extra stomach weight and I'm assuming this is how it will be for me too.  Fingers crossed.

These things will be so nice.  Not to mention that I won't have any cause for nipple issues (don't forget to ask me about that time I fell asleep pumping.  I had two very purple, blistered, and mad nipples for a week or so.  Fun times).

And yet, I have mixed emotions about stopping. 

Why?  After all, it's not like Alivia and I bond, snuggling, rocking in her nursery, while I breastfeed her.   Certainly not!  I'm attached to a machine that sucks my chest halfway to China and back for crying-out-loud.  And it's certainly not because she'll have a rough go of it.  She's not attached to the pump in anyway, shape, or form and will continue with her bottles (for a little while longer) like always.

So I've thought about this sadness over stopping, and have concluded two possible reasons why.

1. I like being able to do something for Alivia that no other person can do for her.  No, I love being able to do something for her that no one else can.  I nourished her from the beginning, before she was even a thought.  For nine months she was all mine, safe in my belly, being nourished by my body exclusively.  And this first year of life, her growth and livelihood have in large part been because of this pumped milk from me.  And now, she will be independent of me, and my body, for her nourishment.  Cody, conceivably, can do anything that I can do, as could anyone else.  Heck, a cow will now do what I have done.  And I will miss feeling so important and needed in this way.  I have very much liked serving her and loving her in this way.

2. My baby is growing up.  She doesn't need me in a lot of the ways she has needed me thus far.  She is becoming capable in so many areas and I hate, *HATE* change.  I love my baby girl, and she is still very much a baby, but I will miss the newborn and infant stages, where she was so much more dependent on me.  She is almost a year old and I don't want to say goodbye to this first year yet - and all that has been required of me.

So there you have it.  Bittersweet I think is the term to describe my feelings right about now. 
But let me just add, I considered that possibly another reason I am hesitant to stop/sad to stop pumping is because I've heard horror stories of post feeding breasts and their appearance (raisins - empty socks - and other scary stuff).  But, no worries here.  I think we'll be just fine.

And I'm guessing that's more than you wanted to know about my knockers, right?